Hallow’s Edge
My Shaman Story
written October 31, 2021
Why am I sharing this, you might wonder…..
Because this has been secured in a vault and this vault has been leaking a toxic vapor called shame that congeals like oil on my wings. I’m done polluting the atmosphere with this vapor and my wings are grounded under this buildup.
So grab a cup of tea with me and prepare yourself for a shame freeing Shaman story.
At age 50, I find myself, my life centered
Around my work. As if this has always been what my life was meant to be about. Life and death and the step over the line in between.
At 11 yrs old I was playing tag with a group of kids from the neighborhood in middle class suburban NJ. A summer evening, ‘be back before dark’ time was approaching, the group dwindled and who was remaining on the steps of one of the kids homes were 3 boys and me, laughing and
Joking around as kids do, but then…..then…..the older brother and his friend showed up and brought with them darkness and I don’t mean the dimming of natural light which was also underway, I mean pure evil kind of darkness that latches hold of a person with a drive to poison others – that night…me.
The joking around got….uncomfortable and my stomach warning sign was blaring, but when I tried to slip away, they pulled me into the house and locked the door behind me. I was trapped, terrified, bullied, and penned in. I was….the lamb, Sacrificial, as they say.
I’m pulled on and pushed to the kitchen floor and I scream, a large hand quickly covers my noise but also both nose and mouth and I can’t breathe. I say it, muffled, but the next i’m aware of is being at the ceiling looking down at my life-less legs surrounded by 5 boys and chaos…..alone.
I was not alone up there, She was so beautiful and loving unlike anything I had ever felt before. Indescribable love, a hazy bright glowing white cloud in the shape of a woman with long hair blending into a long gown. No feet. She held me and loved me and told me all kinds of things. She explained… ‘Years from now you will be a healer and you want that very much.’ She told me as if she was reminding me of my plan for this life. But how it was being with her….I just wanted to go with her, instead I woke up in my body utterly confused, laying in a big puddle of pee and blood..…where am I ??
The next year was tough, I was giving up on the inside, showing a listless flu like-bedridden sick on the outside…I kept my secret. And it ate me alive, as secrets do to children abandoned by angels. Eventually I was reset (by this very angel) and repressed the whole thing until many years later.
I wasn’t getting out of bed and couldn’t stop throwing up so my Mom brought me to the hospital. Three weeks in I still said nothing, ate nothing, and threw up regularly. What I experienced was indigestible. How quickly and unexpectedly play turns foul, friends turn into foes, light turns into dark, fun turns into terror, laughter turns into suffocation. I couldn’t swallow any of it…..alone. My Mom said I might be dying, of what she didn’t know. Again, I thought….This time maybe I can stay. But one night the Angel returned to my hospital room and the next day I was bright and eating and ready to go home. Angel resuscitation.
About a year after I graduated from massage school I felt called to go to Shaman school so I enrolled and got my certificate 3 years later and practiced in total for about 5 years. This led me to many experiences and one of them was a private session I had sharing my mesa with A Peruvian Shaman. Through his translator, he told me not to do exactly as I was taught in Shaman School. He told me to find my own medicine.
I asked how?? As that felt so true to what I really wanted. He said I had to find it. I asked for anything more he could tell me than that…He said to go to a mountain. That was about a year before I found myself showing up at Mt Shasta where I now live. When I got here I stopped practicing the Shamanic work for a while because I wanted it to merge with the massage work and become something natural within me, one body of work rather than something I did separate from Massage. Which is exactly what happened when I remembered. It was a year after I moved here that I went to a 10 day silent retreat and remembered the NDE.
Remembering that Initiation was what finally brought out ‘my own medicine’. When I returned to work after the silent retreat, I naturally without knowing or trying, had the miraculous ability to extract heavy energy from people with my hands. I could feel the unwanted energy coming into me and transmuting in my stomach. The initial realization that I was literally eating people’s pain, somehow seemed so natural and primary and….courageous.
After years of practicing and honing this shamanic style of bodywork, I find myself increasingly grateful for all the training and knowledge and wisdom that I have received and learned (and continue to learn) from many incredible teachers that taught me to hold the stories of my life with less importance than where it all leads me. Its purpose was and is to lead me home. To my heart. To my truest Self. The self that can see from above. I can get lost in the details of what I go through and the pains both physical and emotional, of mine and others; But what I experience and endure motivates me always to sink back to the column-central, the heart-body, the Truth and then live it more and more, deeper and fuller each day, inching out of my comfort zones when staying in them becomes too painful. From there, the spiral of stories, of lives, goes on and on, in constant motion all for the same purpose. Forget, remember, forget, remember. FIND.
Definitions of Find….
Discover or perceive by chance or unexpectedly without planning or trying.
Summon up (courage) with an effort.
Reach one’s destination by one’s own efforts without knowing in advance how to get there.
Recognize or discover something to be present or existent.
Discover the truths about one’s Identity.
perceive or experience (something) to be the case.
A discovery of something valuable.
”When the ego weeps for what it has lost, the spirit rejoices for what it has found” 💫
“The death state is to unite with the Source, the death state is the formless state, It’s our destiny to consciously unite with the Source of who we are. The ancient saying - Die before you die - is to find timeless life before death finds you.
Forms dissolving, but consciousness remaining.” Eckhart Tolle
”How do you best prepare for death? Exactly the same way you best face life, which is to devote your mind and your heart to Truth or Understanding or Love or God, however you conceive it to yourself. Ultimately, be established in and as Infinite Being. That’s the ultimate preparation for death, that’s what is called ‘dying before you die.’ You die as a separate self, the separate self loses its limitations and stands revealed as Infinite Being. That’s the best preparation for life and for death.” Rupert Spira
My Shaman Story
written October 31, 2021
Why am I sharing this, you might wonder…..
Because this has been secured in a vault and this vault has been leaking a toxic vapor called shame that congeals like oil on my wings. I’m done polluting the atmosphere with this vapor and my wings are grounded under this buildup.
So grab a cup of tea with me and prepare yourself for a shame freeing Shaman story.
At age 50, I find myself, my life centered
Around my work. As if this has always been what my life was meant to be about. Life and death and the step over the line in between.
At 11 yrs old I was playing tag with a group of kids from the neighborhood in middle class suburban NJ. A summer evening, ‘be back before dark’ time was approaching, the group dwindled and who was remaining on the steps of one of the kids homes were 3 boys and me, laughing and
Joking around as kids do, but then…..then…..the older brother and his friend showed up and brought with them darkness and I don’t mean the dimming of natural light which was also underway, I mean pure evil kind of darkness that latches hold of a person with a drive to poison others – that night…me.
The joking around got….uncomfortable and my stomach warning sign was blaring, but when I tried to slip away, they pulled me into the house and locked the door behind me. I was trapped, terrified, bullied, and penned in. I was….the lamb, Sacrificial, as they say.
I’m pulled on and pushed to the kitchen floor and I scream, a large hand quickly covers my noise but also both nose and mouth and I can’t breathe. I say it, muffled, but the next i’m aware of is being at the ceiling looking down at my life-less legs surrounded by 5 boys and chaos…..alone.
I was not alone up there, She was so beautiful and loving unlike anything I had ever felt before. Indescribable love, a hazy bright glowing white cloud in the shape of a woman with long hair blending into a long gown. No feet. She held me and loved me and told me all kinds of things. She explained… ‘Years from now you will be a healer and you want that very much.’ She told me as if she was reminding me of my plan for this life. But how it was being with her….I just wanted to go with her, instead I woke up in my body utterly confused, laying in a big puddle of pee and blood..…where am I ??
The next year was tough, I was giving up on the inside, showing a listless flu like-bedridden sick on the outside…I kept my secret. And it ate me alive, as secrets do to children abandoned by angels. Eventually I was reset (by this very angel) and repressed the whole thing until many years later.
I wasn’t getting out of bed and couldn’t stop throwing up so my Mom brought me to the hospital. Three weeks in I still said nothing, ate nothing, and threw up regularly. What I experienced was indigestible. How quickly and unexpectedly play turns foul, friends turn into foes, light turns into dark, fun turns into terror, laughter turns into suffocation. I couldn’t swallow any of it…..alone. My Mom said I might be dying, of what she didn’t know. Again, I thought….This time maybe I can stay. But one night the Angel returned to my hospital room and the next day I was bright and eating and ready to go home. Angel resuscitation.
About a year after I graduated from massage school I felt called to go to Shaman school so I enrolled and got my certificate 3 years later and practiced in total for about 5 years. This led me to many experiences and one of them was a private session I had sharing my mesa with A Peruvian Shaman. Through his translator, he told me not to do exactly as I was taught in Shaman School. He told me to find my own medicine.
I asked how?? As that felt so true to what I really wanted. He said I had to find it. I asked for anything more he could tell me than that…He said to go to a mountain. That was about a year before I found myself showing up at Mt Shasta where I now live. When I got here I stopped practicing the Shamanic work for a while because I wanted it to merge with the massage work and become something natural within me, one body of work rather than something I did separate from Massage. Which is exactly what happened when I remembered. It was a year after I moved here that I went to a 10 day silent retreat and remembered the NDE.
Remembering that Initiation was what finally brought out ‘my own medicine’. When I returned to work after the silent retreat, I naturally without knowing or trying, had the miraculous ability to extract heavy energy from people with my hands. I could feel the unwanted energy coming into me and transmuting in my stomach. The initial realization that I was literally eating people’s pain, somehow seemed so natural and primary and….courageous.
After years of practicing and honing this shamanic style of bodywork, I find myself increasingly grateful for all the training and knowledge and wisdom that I have received and learned (and continue to learn) from many incredible teachers that taught me to hold the stories of my life with less importance than where it all leads me. Its purpose was and is to lead me home. To my heart. To my truest Self. The self that can see from above. I can get lost in the details of what I go through and the pains both physical and emotional, of mine and others; But what I experience and endure motivates me always to sink back to the column-central, the heart-body, the Truth and then live it more and more, deeper and fuller each day, inching out of my comfort zones when staying in them becomes too painful. From there, the spiral of stories, of lives, goes on and on, in constant motion all for the same purpose. Forget, remember, forget, remember. FIND.
Definitions of Find….
Discover or perceive by chance or unexpectedly without planning or trying.
Summon up (courage) with an effort.
Reach one’s destination by one’s own efforts without knowing in advance how to get there.
Recognize or discover something to be present or existent.
Discover the truths about one’s Identity.
perceive or experience (something) to be the case.
A discovery of something valuable.
”When the ego weeps for what it has lost, the spirit rejoices for what it has found” 💫
“The death state is to unite with the Source, the death state is the formless state, It’s our destiny to consciously unite with the Source of who we are. The ancient saying - Die before you die - is to find timeless life before death finds you.
Forms dissolving, but consciousness remaining.” Eckhart Tolle
”How do you best prepare for death? Exactly the same way you best face life, which is to devote your mind and your heart to Truth or Understanding or Love or God, however you conceive it to yourself. Ultimately, be established in and as Infinite Being. That’s the ultimate preparation for death, that’s what is called ‘dying before you die.’ You die as a separate self, the separate self loses its limitations and stands revealed as Infinite Being. That’s the best preparation for life and for death.” Rupert Spira
